Jan. 17th, 2011

It is plainly obvious to me where all relationships lead.

I'm giving up my patience for the life I've always feared.

"I am always the one who calls"

For someone who misses me and doesn't like getting off the phone, it sure does suck to hear the tone of surprise in your voice when your son calls you on a major family holiday. Not calling me, sending a card, or even an email for my birthday was a nice touch as well. I had christmas songs gladly stuck in my had this last week. And I'm attempting 12 bottles of beer for Christmas.

Happy Day to you.

Letting it out is supposed to help, right?

- Apparently work and school consume everyone's lives. And if they're not in school or have a job, they're too lazy to leave the house.

- I'm pretty sure I put people off, but nobody has the balls to tell me what it is.

- I've found independence here, but all it's helped is my ego and hindered my social skills.

- I don't like being an outsider, but I don't like being alienating.

- I really like getting to know people, but I really don't like knowing them. Knowing their next move. Knowing what they're going to choose. (I believe that's why I've never been able to get over you, you're too fucking hidden, unreadable, unpredictable. It never gets old, but hope, in fact, does.)

- I'm just not cut out for this lifetime. I should have been born 100 years ago.

- The only conclusion I can come up with is this: I am pathetic.

Subconscious associations


I don't know if you read this anymore, but a song came on the pandora that reminded me of you. I didn't know who sang it or what it was called, nor could I hear any of the lyrics until it was almost over; and that's what makes this interesting to me. It's something special, the power of music.

Jul. 23rd, 2010


This radio silence is affecting everything. I could be mistaken, but I think I've lost a limb.


Read more...Collapse )

Nostalgic moments revisited when you're trying to start a new life is fucked up. I love too much. The act of loving has exceeded my patience. I'm getting old.

Fudge. Fudge. Fudge.


I really want what doesn't seem what's meant to be.

Jun. 14th, 2010


Day by day I am just a little bit closer to realizing I will explode into colors, my real will be real, and yours will be freed.

Don't try harder, try different.

I have most of the equations to life in my head, in their pieces. My difficulty is putting them into the proper clusters. Compare it to The Saint, where the doctor lady had all the equations to solving cold fusion, but she still had to put them in the correct order for it to work.

I know that when I see "life" for what it really is, I am at my most calm. "Life" is just as lonely as we perceive "death," and it is no more necessary to consider it a sad journey as "death" is a sad occurrence. We invented "sad" the moment we invented "reality." The thing is, is we're very real. We really exist, but once "civilization" began, we started to "believe" (the concept of belief being that of what our mind perceives to be "real;" nothing more, nothing less) we must do certain things to lead a "good life." Having that be, when I see life for what it "really" is, I see it as the most simple of things where nobody exists, but our blood and guts, and how they speak to other bodies of blood and guts. It feels good when I remember this.

But then I forget it and start thinking of how I feel about "real" things like love, society, the meaning of words, sex, money, friends, everything we've invented and everything we perceive as "reality." I really hate all of it when I realize I'm sinking so far into it. I'm ashamed to remember I care about "succeeding" in photography, or that I MUST have a blog to document my new life in Portland, or that good things come to those who wait, or that must become a good father with a wonderful wife. none of it matters at all in the grand scheme of things. Procreation isn't even completely necessary. What is the advancement of life really?

I just want this ridiculous idea of sharing life with someone to go away. I am and always have been more comfortable being alone no matter how sad it's made me, or how wanting someone for so long so badly has made me an emotionally crippled mess. If I were to finally have the one person I want, and they left me? I'd die from a broken heart. And that really fucking scares me.

These posts are never focused and always traveling. I'm jealous.

May. 16th, 2010

I lost again again.

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